On "real" conversation

I read an article ("Small talk should be banned -- here's why" http://www.wired.co.uk/article/banning-small-talk) on the effect of small talk on relationships. The thesis of the article is that small talk is the lowest common denominator of social interaction with strangers in society, but that restricts the level of depth people can reach with each other.

Of the great many articles that I have read in various media, this one struck a personal note. By my nature, I am a retiring guy with a strong streak of social anxiety. Social situations are difficult for me; to wit, attempting to strike up a conversation with an interesting woman beyond what is required of a commercial exchange in a store is similar to tearing down a cement wall with my bare hands.

This difficulty in forging relationships goes beyond the romantic and into the area of close male friends as well. Social anxiety is relatively ironic for somebody who spends most of their professional life talking to people. The truth is, however, that small talk, or chit-chat, is a skill that I use to both acquire information and keep people at a distance.

Why should I personally want to keep people away? After all, I actually feel isolated a great deal of the time, even in a group. Simply put, I'm afraid of how I might be judged. Much of my instinctual conversation does deal with, as the aforementioned article states, "complex social issues" such as my evolution of perspective on sexuality, race, gender, and god (or gods, if you're so inclined).

And that is the crux of how I perceive my society; we are not allowed to be dynamic people, but rather to be static personalities. For example, as a younger man, I was, to put it mildly, homophobic and racist. It's not a simple conversation to discuss how I went from "it's tab A into slot B" to fully supporting same-sex marriage and LGBTQ rights. Neither is it a five minute discussion to full explore racism against blacks and Hispanics as an actual personal attitude (based on more than simple ignorance) that can be overcome, and not a "oh, there are still racists out there" vague concept. These are ideas that cause many people, myself included, a great deal of discomfort.

I am supposed to be, according to how we present ourselves to the public, as either all one way or all the other. Gray areas need not apply.

And yet, gray areas are really all that there are in life. But they do not lend themselves to small talk. So I have developed a skill with personal engagement that keeps things impersonal and wonder if the day will come when I actually have a conversation with somebody about more than the weather.